Belated Happy New Year to everyone. I have been gone for a while. It's not like I didn't have anything to write here. I didn't get time or maybe I was just not feeling like updating anything.
There's a lot going on in my life right now, both good and bad.
Well talking about the good things, my poetry book "Love Is All" was published this New Year. I was pretty much excited about it. It was like a dream come true. But you know, it doesn't matter anymore. Nothing else matters anymore!
Last year November 26th, I fell in love with a girl, Monalika (keeping out the last name for obvious reasons). The great part is, she loves me too. The worst part, she thinks we can never be together because we have so many things in different. We don't think alike, we don't live alike, we have different opinions about almost everything and almost everyone. I have been a moron so many times, I know that. There were times when she did things which hurt me, a lot. And said some stupid things, well maybe very stupid things. The thing is, I am ready to change myself maybe completely for her and she is someone who would never change for anyone, not even for me. And seriously, I don't want her to change. All I want is her to at least appreciate what I am doing for her and maybe respect my feelings a bit, understand me!
She's a very good person. She's just different. I can change my habits, my lifestyle, everything but how do I change my feelings? How do I not feel bad when she cares about someone else's feelings more than mine, how do I not feel bad when she gets mad for some reason and won't even let me explain, how do I not feel bad when she says that she never asked me to do all these things for her, to try to change myself according to her and that I can move on if it's hurting me?! I mean for chrissake I'm trying to make this relation work and she won't even appreciate it!!
She holds grudges, even against me. She wouldn't forgive me for some stupid mistake I made. I asked her to go away because she was hurting me. And we broke up. And THAT was my mistake. But not even 1 day had passed I wanted her back. I told her that. But no, she won't forgive me for what I did.
And today I found out that she even has a problem about telling the people that she loves me and she doesn't even want me to tell the world about it (you get it, why I didn't write the last name?). She is a private person when it comes to her relationships, I understand that. But some other guy is telling the world that he's in love with her and she doesn't have MUCH of a problem with that because according to her, he's a very good friend. What am I?! And yes, she thinks I'm comparing myself to him because of that. I am NOT comparing myself, it just makes me feel bad.
Last night, I cried. It had been years I didn't shed a single tear. But from the day she's come in my life, it feels like all the emotions I have hidden inside me are gushing out. I've cried all night so many times and amazingly, I feel good about knowing that I can actually cry! I thought I don't have any feelings like that.
About last night, she said that there is something so common in all the guys, that we all are self centered. We care only about our feelings. Funny, right? A girl I love so much and I'm ready to leave everything for her, the only person in this world that I actually thought I care about more than myself... That girl is saying that I am self centered. How do I NOT feel bad about that?!
It hurts. And even though I know that maybe she will never change, maybe it will keep hurting me, I still have hope. And I want it. I love her and my life might not be very delightful or amicable with her but without her, I wouldn't actually be living! It's better to get hurt than feel nothing.
She wants me to move on. It's funny. I mean, really funny. If she thinks that I will be able to move on just like that, either she doubts that I love her for real or... well, I guess that would be the only reason :P
Well maybe people are right, love is not enough for a happy relationship. But I still have hope. I don't believe in God, but many of you might do. And no, I don't want to hear any shit that it's happening to me because I don't believe in God. So anyway, you have faith in God. No matter what others say, no matter how many times you have been disappointed in life, you still have faith in God and you hope that everything's going to be fine. Right? Now I believe in Love. I have faith in Love. And I hope that everything's going to be fine one day. Am I mistaken in doing that too?
I know, she loves me. And it will take some time for her to realize certain things, but I know she will someday. I am waiting for that day.
A kind of person who considers close relationships to be rare and special. Trust, Care, Faith, Understanding, Love and Respect are not just words written in pages of books for me but I truly mean them, with all my heart and soul. I believe in true and ever-lasting friendship. Very anxious, unstable and complex. A person who believes in his own theories and follows his own principles. If you support them, I am obliged and I won't disappoint you.
If you don't, Prove them wrong.
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